yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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