i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
