You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize