You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
