Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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