why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
