ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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