dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
