Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
