I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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