You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
