she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize