I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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