I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
