If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
