Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
