I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize