i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
