I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
