I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
