WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
