Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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