At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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