my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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