i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
