first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize