I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
