Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
