Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
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