A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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