Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
