I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
