the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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