Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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