you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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