I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
