Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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