Betty ford says i'm here all night
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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