When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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