I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
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