GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
