Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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