I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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