I wish I could punch you in the face.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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