you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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