If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
