Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
