if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
