Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
