I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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