Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
