I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
