the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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