In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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