People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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