do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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