I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
