I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
